My grandma passed away last night and even though she is physically gone, I do believe that the moment your body stops working, your soul does some sort of magic. I honestly don’t know how I feel about it any further, but I still feel like she is dancing around somewhere (she was in a wheelchair for the last few years of her life).

I heard the news this morning and I didn’t know how to feel about it at that moment, so my head was really chaotic. This is fine usually, but now a lot of doctors came into my room to do stuff with the Prednisone, injections and stories about how they still don’t know where I will go in a few days (sometimes it’s kind of watching a really bad soap). So I was pretty pissed about the situation, including that I am stuck on my bed and I can’t really walk (except for the 30 minutes I get outside – they don’t usually do this, but since I’m not on any breathing equipment or passed out, I can walk for a while). A physiotherapist also came by my room this afternoon to give me some exercises I can do to get the flow in my body going a bit more.

Tomorrow I will get my last bag of chemo (one bag lasts 24 hours and I will get 4 per round with one smaller bag from 30 minutes that has other magical stuff on the last day). The doctor came by later this afternoon and told me that they want to keep me in the IC for 21 days in total (the amount of days one round lasts – 4 days of chemo and 17 days of rest)… I get that it’s dangerous to have a tumor in your heart, but I really don’t feel like staying here for so long because the doctors are scared…

Being stuck to my bed actually does help me emotionally and mentally a lot. I was outside with a nurse in the afternoon and we were talking about how people usually handle a situation like this. She said that I don’t have to be thankful for getting the cancer (I told her that I wasn’t mad or sad about the whole process). Her saying that, made me realize that I’m actually in the right place and time right now. I feel like doing the chemo helps me way more mentally and emotionally than physically. I do a lot of meditations, visualizations and I’m having good conversations with people.

 

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