It’s funny to recognize the way I used to look at myself, others and life in general. I used to look for love and joy in other people, which made it almost impossible to be by myself. My mom said a few weeks ago when she felt the energy/atmosphere I used to be in that my attitude was like ‘okay just enjoy me because I’m bored of myself’. I had the expectations of other people that they would be nice to me and I always kind of hoped that they would say that I was special/funny/someone they wanted to hang out with. Because these people were living their own life with their own problems, I didn’t get what I was expecting/hoping for. This made me feel pretty depressed because I couldn’t feel the joy in other people and mostly myself, because I wasn’t feeling love for myself.
Now that I’m here, I notice that when I feel love for myself (and automatically for the people around me), I don’t need other people to enjoy the things I do. When something ‘bad’ happens, I look at how I can learn from it and when something ‘good’ happens, I see it as a present/bonus haha.
I have a few things that I do daily; some Shin-Do(for someone else and/or myself), meditation (in the group or by myself), walking to the People Tree (a tree all the way at the fence of the village – it has a really great energy to be around) and I discovered yesterday that if I just lay down, put my playlist on shuffle and repeat for myself ‘I let go of all the control’, I either start dancing or crying (maybe something new happens tomorrow). This makes me feel really relieved and I think it is a really good way to let things out that need to get out. Also, the dancing is really nice and doing this helps me to get out of my head and into my heart.
Today I had my first treatment!!!!!!!!! The kind of treatment is called ‘Dhara’ or ‘Shirodhara’. I found the information on the website of the centre about it. After the treatment, I feel really relaxed and slow. Luckily, I don’t have to be anywhere or do anything for the next two weeks (that’s how long I will get the treatments). I also decided to stay one week after the treatments ended, because it’s good to take a lot of rest after the treatments. I feel like going to Sri Lanka after my weeks here, but I’ll see in a few weeks how I feel about it then.