• 6.30 am: shower, getting dressed, etc.
  • 7.00 am: medicine 1, treatment
  • 8.00 am: breakfast
  • 9.00 am: wifi/reading/writing/drawing
  • 10.30 am: medicine 2
  • 10.35 am: puja
  • 11.30 am: pomegranate/reading/writing/drawing/skype
  • 1.00 pm: lunch
  • 2.00 pm: lecture from the doctor/wifi/reading/writing/drawing/skype
  • 3.00 pm: medicine 3
  • 3.05 pm: wifi/reading/writing/drawing/skype
  • 4.00 pm: pomegranate/wifi/reading/writing/drawing/skype
  • 5.30 pm: medicine 4
  • 5.40 pm: session/shin do with Ben (or someone else)
  • 7.00 pm: dinner
  • 8.00 pm: wifi?
  • 9.00 pm: medicine 5/sleep
Medicine 3 looks really serious

I talked with Ben about that when I’m getting stuck in a situation, I should get out of my head and drop into my heart. Getting stuck means for me right now that I’m reacting in a way that pleases other people or getting defensive. These are mostly reactions I copied from other people in school. I didn’t feel comfortable to react in my own way (this actually started in primary school) and this made me feel insecure and scared to what other people might think of me, so I just copied the way other people were reacting to stuff.

After the puja

When the doctor told me about having to follow this diet and these medicines for three months after leaving here, I felt really trapped because of the ‘rules’. I just wanted to go home and be free to do whatever I would feel like doing, but going to bed early, not being able to eat and drink a lot of things and taking things very slow felt like I was getting put into some sort of box.┬áSo after the conversation, my head was naming every option to get out of having to follow these ‘rules’. I talked about it with a few people and they were all saying that it would be for a short period, that it would make me better and that it isn’t that bad to just take good care of yourself. I did get this and for a moment I would feel good, but after a while the feeling of being trapped came back.

So a few days ago the doctor gave a lecture about how to continue after leaving Maitreyi and I decided to drop into my heart when listening to the lecture. I suddenly noticed that I didn’t know how I would feel about doing the diet at home by then and that I was actually fine with it, because I really do want to get healthy (not only in a way of getting rid of the cancer, but also in my mind and my entire body). I feel very chaotic/stresses/anxious/etc. when I’m in my head about a situation, but when I drop into my heart, there’s actually nothing going on. Of course, I have heard this from a lot of people already, but I had a hard time really doing it while having conversations.

The whole atmosphere of the place also feels a lot better when I’m in my heart, because I’m not judging other people and I can just observe everything more instead of really diving into a heavy conversation. Also, it feels like there is way more space in my whole system to really heal.

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