Once there was a caterpillar, that saw a butterfly flying around. He thought to himself; ‘I’d really like to be a butterfly’, but when he saw what it took to become one, he realized that he actually just wanted to be a caterpillar with wings. – Thanks to Ben 😉
I went to see my dad yesterday (he stays in another retreat center, because it feels better to be alone) and he showed me around at the place he stays and let me get to know a few of the people that also stay there (like Ben who told me about the story of the caterpillar). Over there, it feels more like a hospital; you eat alone in your room (except for one night in a week), everything is way more organized and there is a roof over the whole part you can walk outside (because of the sun that is too much for your eyes when you’re doing the treatments). The atmosphere is way more calm, which is great but also can feel a bit more lonely because you’re mostly by yourself. So when I got back to the village, I was really happy to see the doctor playing cricket with the staff, to eat together and to see the children running around. Of course, being more by yourself makes you realize a lot faster what emotions and patterns you don’t need anymore/can let go, but I feel like it wouldn’t fit right now to do stuff like that in such a fast speed. It happens here too.
I’m starting to realize more and more that the way I see other people and the things around me, is just a reflection of myself. The positive part of this is that it helps me to realize which old patterns are still ‘hanging around’. Also, I’m in a situation that gives me the space and time to let go of the patterns that don’t fit me anymore. But the downside is that I’m really aware of the patterns and emotions that are still there.
So sometimes I ask myself why something happens by just sitting, taking a deep breath and letting the answer come up. This morning I asked myself ‘why is my hair still falling out, while it’s also already growing back?’. Immediately I got the question ‘would you still love yourself unconditionally, even if you would have no hair on your head?’. I realized that the reason I let go of the emotional blockages, ask people for help when I need it (most of the time), stopped the chemo and why I’m here is out of love for myself. So I’m on a good track, but in situations that don’t look that important or big, I still choose the easy way. I’m not really sure how people usually do this, but I feel like I’m in a good situation to just stop for a moment before I do something and ask myself; do I do this because of love for myself in any way?
Because of all the emotions and other stuff that is coming out now while detoxing, my head feels a little like spaghetti (because it feels like a mess). I really try writing some posts, but just like with a conversation between two people who both can’t really speak English, it’s mostly just a few words from a few different sentences that make some sort of story together. The doctor gave a lecture about the treatments and what happens mentally during the treatments and he told us that a lot of people really enjoy being here and that they are happy. But once they’re almost going home, they start crying and being sad about how they haven’t taken the treatment seriously enough. I feel like I’m still letting go of some perfectionistic and lazy characteristics (which is a really confusing combination to have haha), because when I’m feeling good and just being in the moment, everything goes really well and there is a healthy combination between enjoying the moment and knowing what’s really going on.
Even though the stuff that has to come out isn’t always that fun, I have the feeling that when I leave this place in a few weeks, I’ll be floating on air. Just like a caterpillar who just became a butterfly ;).