flying!!!!!!

When I was younger, I alway wrote in these friendship books (or whatever they’re called) that I wanted to be a pretty pink butterfly when I grow up. I had this conversation with myself about two seconds ago:

‘Hello Flo, how are you doing?’ (- myself from 7 months ago)

‘I am flying actually, how are you?’ (- myself now)

‘What do you mean flying? I’m doing a little weird because I’ve heard about this cancer of the size of a mango a few hours ago…’

‘Well, yeah that one is still there, it’s back actually. But I’m saying that I have wings now, so I’m not really busy with worrying anymore’

‘What do you mean by ‘it’s back’? And how can you not worry about something that might kill you?’

‘So you won’t find this out until a few months from you and you won’t really feel it from a few months from me and you from then, but the reason why there’s a tumor, is because your body is telling you to find your freedom. And I asked myself a lot of times ‘what is total freedom?’ and I feel like when you’re able to make your own decisions and discover your own truth through that is total freedom. And this will make the little child that has always been there (and everyone actually has) in you appear again so you can feel so joyful that there’s no ‘bad news’ anymore, even when the tumor got back to 16cm really quick, back into your heart and when you’re not able to fly to Nepal in a few weeks that is actually where you feel like your heart wants to go. This is not bad anymore, because there’s this trust in life that it will be fine, no matter what happens. This is the result of the rollercoaster that you’re about to enter and even though it’s pretty scary a lot of the times, the moments you can throw your hands in the air and scream all the way from your toes, it’s actually the best feeling in the world. Because you’re actually going back to your heart and even though you really want to do everything right, after a while you really have to just surrender to god/love/life/whatever you like to call it.’

‘Sounds pretty cool, but also pretty spiritual.’

‘Yeah, until you realize that you have these layers created around your soul that you have to peel off one by one to get to your fire/soul/child/natural state. And from these layers you can’t FEEL the love and gratefulness that is actually the most important part. These layers are nothing but fear, sadness, anger and other emotions that make you feel like you have a story and that you should be able to protect yourself from a lot of things. These emotions have nothing to do with the love that from deep inside you feel for yourself. And this love wants to be felt again so you can inspire others, but that’s why you get sick. You have gotten an opportunity to get back to this love and that’s why this tumor is actually nothing but love, but because of all these layers you can’t really see that. This is why at one point you’re going to have to surrender to the love that you can’t really touch from these layers, because you feel so lost in the heaviness of the emotions that come up. It’s kind of the best way to explain, so if you don’t get it, just take it day by day and know that the worst moments are actually needed to learn from.’

‘Sounds logical, but I can’t really get it… Can you just tell me what happens since this conversation isn’t real anyways?’

‘Okay so to tell you shortly; that fire that you feel will get you out of the hospital to try to heal yourself, you will go to the beach and eventually even dance and go skinnydipping. You will try around three different diets before you find out that it’s actually not your type of joy, you will have to do the chemo, which you don’t mind at the moment. You will make music, listen to music, dance some more, go skinnydipping again, go to Gran Canaria one day after a round of chemo while feeling so good that it’s kind of weird. You will also go to India, Sri Lanka, learn how to use energy that’s kind of like the force but instead of using it for lifting X-Wings so you can convince Luke and to show Darth Vader who is the boss, you will use it to help other people to heal. You will talk in front of groups, even though that’s something that so scary for you, but you will find out that once you don’t use a note, it’s not scary anymore. You will even inspire people at a funeral. You will lose your hair, which feels like the end of the world at first, but then you will realize that you actually don’t even care that much once it’s gone. But the people you meet are actually the most amazing part. Because I know how you don’t really want people to come close and touch you in a loving way, but you will find out that it’s actually the best feeling in the world and you will fall in love with so many people at one point. Also, dancing is really really cool!!!!! And you will actually just cry anywhere without really giving a fuck anymore (yesterday night I cried in the middle of a really fancy restaurant and I couldn’t feel any more shame about it). And yeah, you will feel lost and at some point you will even feel like you’re really going to die (even though you will never know when you die) and you will feel like you don’t want to keep going anymore, but just remember that the only reason you’re on this earth is to enjoy and do what your heart wants to do. Once you’re able to listen to your heart, there will be no resistance at all anymore and when it happens, you will definitely know.’

The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to do it – Peter Pan

(I really like this quote, because your inner child knows you can fly but the version of you with the layers believes it can’t)

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