A little over a week ago, I had a phone call with the hospital about the CT-scan I had that morning. I still haven’t done any more chemo or other western medicine stuff after that second round and I wanted to keep an eye on how the process was going after coming back from India/Sri Lanka. The phone call was pretty interesting, because I had already decided that I am at a point of really being able to understand what my body is telling me, but the hospital wanted to continue the chemo and put me on the Intensive Care again. So when they told me about the scan and how they can’t compare anything and can’t say anything with any certainty, I was a little pissed actually and told them that I wasn’t coming back for scans and definitely not for chemo. They told me something about a guy who was waiting for god to save him while the whole city was drowning and refusing to get on the boats that came by because of his belief in god saving him. When he got to heaven, he asked god why he didn’t help him, on which god said that he sent the boats but that he didn’t want to get on. I responded that I actually am asking god (or whatever you like to call it) for some help, but that I’m just on a different boat than the doctors in the hospital. I guess they didn’t really like that comment, but this is a good example of how scared and serious the hospital is and that I’m definitely not fitting into that whole system anymore. I was at a workshop about laughing at your own drama that day, which made it actually even more fun, because the hospital said I was going to die (of course, because the only cure for cancer they see is the therapy they offer) and with this subject I returned to the workshop and we laughed a lot about it, because the hospital is now really a circus with the fortune tellers there too. José told a story about a guy who had gotten four months to live, because of some sort of cancer that the hospital thought he had. He said goodbye to his family and friends and died within those months. When they looked at the scans they made to see what had actually killed him, they saw that he didn’t even have cancer and that his belief of dying in this time was actually what had killed him. And of course, we will all die eventually, but once you can say to yourself that you really can’t predict anything and let go of the control and by that also the fear of dying, you can really start living.
So after the phone call, I could really let go of a lot of a lot of fear, because the scans made me pretty nervous every time (even though I would continue this way anyways). Now I feel like there’s so much more space to really live my life the way I want to. This also means that I want to take out everything that makes me feel like I have to follow rules or that I’m stuck in some sort of way. So I started paying attention to how I feel at what time and this way I know who I still want to hang out with and what I want to do. I found out that the people I can feel free with (so no pressure to see each other the whole time and being able to talk about what I love to do and how I feel), are the ones I want to stay in touch with. Now I’m also feeling a lot more open to talk about my interests, I found out that I really enjoy inspiring people of my age. I think everyone kind of notices that almost everyone of my age has ‘something’, like ADD, ADHD, asthma, depression, anorexia, etc. This is actually, because something needs to change in the way we learn, eat and behave. There’s a lot of fear flying around and people are feeling stuck in the rules they have to follow. Even though it’s not a nice experience to have a disease or mental disorder, I feel like it’s kind of good that it’s happening, because sometimes things have to get really bad for people to realize how the way we do things have to change. It’s like garbage island; now that it’s that bad and that much, people are finding solutions to not only solve garbage island, but also the rest of the ocean (it’s actually kind of cool how a 20-year old guy is doing a really big project in this). A few times at the workshops of José, he asked me to tell everyone something at which he responded and told everyone that you don’t have to get cancer to realize that things aren’t going well. Because the only purpose of life, is to live life. If you’re not feeling good, there’s definitely something that you do that’s not resonating with what you came to this life for. So I realized that that’s something I want to share with people; my body told me that there’s a drastic change that has to happen in my life and I kind of felt it before, but I thought it wasn’t something I would have to take seriously (even though I was feeling pretty depressed). We don’t have to get a disease like this to realize that we are not following our heart. And everyone can feel this in how much they complain, hang onto stories, blame other people for their own happiness and of course the way their body is communicating with them. And that’s actually such a nice thing of your body to do, because it’s constantly giving you feedback about your way of looking at life. I realized that it’s actually not that scary to have a disease than I thought. From the beginning I was very lucky to have this feeling of chemo not being the thing that could cure me. You always hear stories of cancer returning to people after one, two or three years. I don’t know if a lot of people think about this a lot, but I feel like that if it returns, you haven’t listened to why it’s there and you get another chance of seeing that you should change something in your life. Why would it otherwise come back in a lot more organs and more aggressive than first?
I know this sounds scary, but I found out that you don’t get a challenge like this if you’re not ready. When I’m in a period of letting go of a lot of emotions, everything comes up at the right moment. This actually is another way of saying why it doesn’t make any sense to try to control stuff. You can’t predict anything anyways. I decided to get out of my comfort zone even more than this, because when I was in Sri Lanka I stayed inside my comfort zone a lot and I felt really shitty actually (also because I had these expectations). When I started to dance in front of all of those people at the restaurant or just went out on my own on a day, I felt so joyful and like the little child in me got a lot more space because I realized that the fears that used to be there, were actually not mine anyways. So this is why I’m going on a trip again and moving out of the house (after I return from the trip, I will see if I can find my own house). I want to go to Nepal, Thailand and Bali. Willemijn had asked me to join her and her son to India (which eventually became Bali because of the surfing), so I will probably join them for a few weeks. The other weeks I will just book my plane, maybe the first hotel and just see where I end up. Yes, my parents are a little scared of all this (everyone asks me this haha), but we talked about it and I realized that I really have to choose for myself now and stop finding excuses to not do anything.
A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.
Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”
The stranded fellow shouted back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.”
So the rowboat went on.
Then a motorboat came by. “The fellow in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.”
To this the stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”
So the motorboat went on.
Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.”
To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”
So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.
Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you but you didn’t save me, you let me drown. I don’t understand why!”
To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”