to choose or not to choose…

Sometimes I just wish that my life was a movie, in which I could fast-forward to the end, so I could see how it ended and how everything is fine in the end. Unfortunately, that very controlling part of my ego won’t get much satisfaction, because all there is, is here and now. Nothing to do about it. So the drama is (still) about me doing the chemo yes or no. Almost everyone is seeing the logical choice of me doing the chemo, because of course, I want to continue living and doing awesome stuff and right now my physical situation is holding me back more and more. My mom keeps telling me about the ego that is there that wants me not to do the chemo. So everytime, I’m like; ‘fuck yeah, let’s get that ego out of the frontseat of the bus and let me drive it now. I know I will get through the chemo very well.’. But everytime we end a practice/visualization/meditation about it, I get more and more excited about me NOT doing the chemo. So this is confusing me, but maybe I’m talking too much about it with people instead of whatever is there that keeps the tumor growing. But I do feel like this situation really has to do with me being really influenced by people around me, and I noticed that the choice to do the chemo brings out my ego, but also the choice to not do the chemo.

So that’s all the explanation I can do about the current situation. In the meantime I read this book of Anita Moorjani, who had cancer for four years, ended up at the IC while she couldn’t breathe by herself anymore and her organs were shutting down. She got into a coma, experienced a near-death experience, got out of it and suddenly she was healed from the cancer.


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