what about the cloudy days?
I often write on the days that I feel like being able to do things like climbing the Mount Everest or go skydiving because of my energy on those moments. But what about the days that I feel like there’s a cloud in my head and that I don’t believe in what I’m doing myself. Of course, there’s no proof of really being able to heal without the chemo and maybe these other people were just miracles. I was reading the book of OSHO about rebellion (Living On Your Own Terms) and he wrote about how the whole system we live in is built on how we think and that we should be able to understand what we’re doing; listening to your heart doesn’t make any sense in this way of living. Maybe that’s why almost everyone has something; ADD, ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc. A lot of my friends have at least one of these things. I believe from the depths of my heart that this is no coincidence, just like that there are a lot of diseases that can’t be explained; there are more and more different medicine needed and diseases get more and more aggressive. OSHO wrote in his book about how rebellion is a spiritual appearance, not against the system, but it’s just the intelligence that shows that this system is dead and that it isn’t able to create and raise new people. It’s tired and almost at the edge of worldwide suicide.
So I’m saying with this that listening to your heart can be pretty difficult in the way we normally see the world. I felt like taking some time to really be able to feel what is my truth, not based on fear or a certain logic. Of course, by making the decision to not do any scans or conventional therapy, there’s this fear of dying that I trigger at almost everyone at home. I can’t blame anyone for experiencing this and, by that, also giving their opinions about it. I went to Amsterdam for one week and to Groningen for two weeks. In Amsterdam, I could homesit the house of Irene and in Groningen I went to Tom, a friend of mine that I met at the events of José in May. By then I actually thought ‘ah I have to get out of the atmosphere of fear at home’, but now I realized that you can’t really run away from fear or other experiences you don’t want to feel. I was the one feeling the fear, it was only triggered by the people that were feeling the same fear. So sooner or later this fear will come back, but just in a different way. I had a great time being in Amsterdam and Groningen, but I understand now that to not feel fearful, I have to feel it first. But this is not about making a story about why there’s fear or who triggers it, it’s just about feeling it. Emotions are only here for 90 seconds, but because of the stories and drama it lasts longer. Also, we identify ourselves with the fear we feel, but it’s only here to tell us something and once we can say ‘okay thank you for being here, I’m sure you’ve had purpose until now, but now I let go’, it will disappear.
So this is what I learned from Juno Burger and his teacher Eric Dowsett, who are now helping me with just being with the feeling and not identifying myself with it. This takes some practice and time, but I feel like this is right now what will help me a lot. There might be a chance that the reason why this tumor is here, is something I don’t even know about having experienced. So if I identify myself with the things I’m feeling, this cause might not even get the chance to get out.
So this is just about taking everything day by day, letting pain and emotions be here without making stories and in the meantime just enjoying what I like doing, like making t-shirts or getting a van to travel in :). By doing this, I can accept the days I feel less good and I can flow through life by following what I really want.