I’m going for it now!!!!
About a week ago I posted a blog about how there was a struggle with the chemo (actually, this was my struggle from the beginning of the whole process but everything was just building up more and more). People around me were not really happy with my decision to not do the chemo and even though I thought I made this choice, somewhere I knew that I was struggling too much. I was saying no to things, while all I actually want to do is say yes and leave the things that are not relevant (if that makes sense). So yes, I did decide to do the chemo, but oh my gosh what a crazy few days. I knew something was about to blow up, but I didn’t know how.
On Tuesday night I decided to do the chemo, which brought me down so much that I was crying in my bed for two days straight until I sent an email to my doctor to actually start the treatment. I couldn’t let go of the idea that I’d rather die than do the chemo and that everything I had done was for nothing and that I was completely ignoring the reason why I had cancer in the first place. Usually I have a song that could describe my feelings, but there was such an empty feeling that I couldn’t really listen to music. Yes I know, very dramatic. But eventually I sent the email to my doctor to start the treatment on Thursday morning and he immediately replied that I could come to the hospital
right away. So that was a rollercoaster day, because they immediately did the small operation for the infusion and I could go to the room I was staying in (everything had to be really fast because of the upcoming holidays). I could stay at the cardiology department, because of the situation in my heart. On Friday I would start the chemo, but first I had to do a CT-scan to see the exact situation. Turned out that my right lung wasn’t working anymore and my left lung was almost closed too because of the tumor. The doctors said that if I’d come two weeks later, I wouldn’t have made it.
So here I was in the room with about five doctors from two different departments telling me that only if the chemo would immediately work and not cause any infections, I could make it. If I would get an infection or if the tumor wouldn’t shrink fast enough, they couldn’t even reanimate me, because of the mass the size of a pretty big mango.
I usually don’t really feel like getting into detail that much about the medical situation, but I had been kind of wishing to be dead in the days earlier that week, so this felt like I had to make this choice myself. Did I want to continue or quit? For so many years I had been between a lot of decisions and I always had the idea in the back of my mind that I could just quit life if I wouldn’t like it. I guess that’s why I was always very comfortable by being depressed. This time I knew I had to get through the process of the chemo to heal and really choose life. Even though I wasn’t really afraid of dying and I really badly wanted to take the easy way out, I decided to choose life. No more ‘ah I could always kill myself’ or something. I am going for it now.
So we started the process of chemo and with all the support of everyone around me, I had close to none of the side effects. Turns out that you get sick from chemo, because your body is usually holding onto emotions. When the immune system is that low because of the chemo, it’s harder and harder to hold onto the emotions and you start to throw up and get side effects and stuff. So I was in the hospital, kind of acting like a baby because it was definitely not worth holding onto those things if other people would think I’m weird.
A week after the dramatic CT-scan, I had another one and the tumor had already shrunk, both my lungs were open and there was more space for me to breathe. Yes, I still have a path to go, but I guess just mostly to check if I really am sticking to my decision (and I do 😉 ). Now that I’m home, I started writing the book I’ve been wanting to write for a long time, I’m drawing more and more shirts for people and I still just let go of whatever is there. Actually, I found out that I could use the chemo to just
help me let go of whatever is there. The important thing for me is actually that I don’t have to fight anymore, and most of all compare myself or be special or something. I can feel more and more now that we’re all here to just live and enjoy and that there’s no such thing as better or greater or more special. I always wanted to do something special to show that I could do something, which is probably why I was sticking to not doing the chemo so much.
Okay so that was the story of the hospital and chemo stuff, now I’m going to enjoy New Years’ Eve, all the foodin the world and all the lovely people around me :).