A few weeks ago, a little while after I heard that I was healed, I went to a meditation course that I had been following for a few months. Once a month we would get together and go through meditations, healings and information about healing energetically, what would eventually mean physically. I could tell the group about that I was healed, but more than that didn’t really come out. No motivational speech about how everyone can do it or how I did it. I was just happy about the situation. At lunch, two people came to me asking what the doctor said to me. I had been doing immunotherapy a few weeks before and the doctor didn’t look at it as if it was a miracle or something like that. I was also kind of surprised that I was fine by the doctor not making a big deal out of it. I was healed, which was great, and I could go on with what I enjoy doing. But the two people reacted pretty angry when I told them that the doctor didn’t make a big deal about it and that he shouldn’t keep on sticking to the illusion or dream that we live in. I reacted with that it didn’t matter to me, but they were pretty annoyed, so I decided to not be over there during lunch.
I’m sharing something that I can see myself struggling with a lot too. Since I started doing meditations, healings, etc., I noticed that there’s, next to like five other egos that I have, also a spiritual ego type of thing. It says things like; ‘Everyone should be doing spiritual stuff, because it’s good.’, or ‘I should behave like this, because then I’m a spiritual person.’. At first, this helped me to really dive into myself and find things that actually gave meaning to my life and stuff, but at the same time it’s also really really intense if that’s something I listen to. And now that I’m seeing how it doesn’t really matter what you do since everything is an experience, it just sounds not really logical to me (I’m not trying to be disrespectful or to hurt someone’s feelings, but I’m speaking for myself. The whole point of my blog is sharing my experiences anyways, not trying to convince anyone…).
I was in the forest yesterday, where I went to a year ago when I didn’t want to go to the hospital. It was pretty confronting to sit on the same bench that I sat on back then, because Yvette (friend of my mom, who helped me a lot during the whole healing process) told me back then that the scan showed a tumor of 16 cm again. I didn’t want to see the scan in the first place, because I wanted to focus on the energetic part and not be distracted by fear (even though I was pushing it away with so much energy that I couldn’t even really see what was going on energetically). I was feeling so stuck and it took me a few weeks more to actually go to the hospital to start treatment again. By then my left lung was closed and my right lung was just open because of pressure of the tumor.
Admitting that I was actually not doing well took me so much effort and was hard for me. When I was out celebrating being healed with the family a few weeks ago, we talked about the hardest and the most exciting moments. For all of us, it was hardest when I was trying to push away the therapy. While talking about it with my family, it really hit me in what way I reacted. I don’t know what was going on exactly, but I still find it hard sometimes how I was really trying to make it work another way, that would prove that spiritual stuff actually heals. I know that all of us act the best way possible in any situation and that everything makes sense afterwards, but I noticed yesterday that I am still judging myself about that situation. The funny thing is that it gives me a chance to really be honest with myself. I am learning so much when I see the way I was acting, and the way I am still acting. So to be honest, it was just really really intense for me back then, but it has already given me so much lessons, that I’m kind of glad that I felt like shit back then. Thanks Flo ;P.